Another kid driver

Yet another child driver...in a Mercedes!

Police investigating a complaint about a van disrupting morning traffic on Monday in the German city of Goettingen were surprised to discover a 5-year-old boy behind the wheel.

"He was seemingly intent on experiencing the daily traffic chaos and simply jumped behind the wheel of his dad's Mercedes Vito and went off to explore," police spokesman said.

During his short journey, the toddler stalled the van several times in the middle of the road and a passer-by alerted police. The boy and the vehicle were returned to his father unharmed.

How do these kids step on the gas and drive? Last I checked 5-year olds were small. How can this happen?? My guess is that there is someone in on the plot with them. Maybe it is a monkey.

A plutonic update

The phones are ringing off the hook. The latest Pluto news.

There goes the solar system.

Once an elite society of nine lordly bodies of rock, ice and gas, our solar system would grow to at least 12 members under a new definition of a planet proposed Tuesday by the International Astronomical Union.

The core of the definition? Planets are round. And they orbit a star.

The proposal was hammered out after two years of intense debate among leading experts of the IAU, which is the sole authority on Earth for naming celestial objects.

"We now have a new way to put the solar system together," said Richard Binzel, a member of the IAU executive committee that drafted the definition. "We think this definition is reasonable."

The proposal will be voted on next week by the group's general assembly, which is meeting in Prague, Czech Republic. Binzel, an astronomer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said he was "optimistic" the definition would be approved.

The new list of round planets would consist of one recently discovered object beyond the orbit of Pluto named UB313, as well as two bodies that previously were rejected for planetary status: Pluto's moon Charon and Ceres, the largest member of the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.

Charon and Pluto would become the solar system's first double-planet, meaning they twirl around each other but neither dominates.

They would become part of a new subclass of planets called "plutons," defined by the fact that their orbits around the sun take at least 200 years. Dozens more plutons could be added after the objects are more thoroughly reviewed by the IAU.

Ceres also would get a new designation as the sole member of a subclass called "dwarf planets."

Gibor Basri, chairman of astronomy at the University of California, Berkeley, praised the IAU for coming up with a reasonable definition that could help quell the stubborn arguments over what makes a planet, a debate provoked by critics who questioned tiny Pluto's status as a planet.

"I feel that they have made the most rational and scientific choices," he said. "It does mean some adjustment for the public."

But the definition has riled some astronomers.

Perhaps surprisingly, one of the strongest critics of the new solar-system lineup is the man who discovered one of the proposed new planets, astronomer Michael Brown of the California Institute of Technology. He called the decision an "odd solution."

"In my book, the word planet was special. I liked it back when planets meant something other than: It's round," he said.

Brown said he had counted 53 objects that appeared to meet the proposed definition of a planet.

It's an open question how the new definition will be received by the general public, which grew up with mobiles of the nine-planet solar system in their bedrooms, and learning mnemonic devices to memorize the planets, such as My-Very-Excellent-Mother-Just-Served-Us-Nine-Pizzas.

The debate over what is and is not a planet was forced on the astronomical union by the recent discoveries of a new roster of Kuiper Belt objects orbiting as far as 9 billion miles from the sun.

Among the numerous objects, Brown identified one in 2005 — UB313 (he nicknamed it Xena) — that appeared larger than Pluto, which has a diameter of 1,400 miles.

The discoveries by Brown and astronomers at the Lowell Observatory in Arizona made it clear that the small, icy world of Pluto, discovered in 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh, was hardly unique.

Something had to be done.

Many scientists advocated demoting Pluto, which would have left eight planets: the four inner rocky worlds of Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars, and the four outer gas giants, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

It was a simple approach, and one that Brown himself favored. "A gutsy move would be to bite the bullet and say that Pluto should never have been called a planet," he said.

In the end, the IAU took a slightly more nuanced approach.

Its proposal reads: "A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet."

The IAU estimates that a planet would have to be at least 480 miles in diameter to have the necessary mass to form itself into a round shape.

"Our goal was to find a scientific basis for a new definition of planet, and we chose gravity as the determining factor," Binzel said. "Nature decides whether or not an object is a planet."

Hmmm...53 planets. That would take a long mnemonic. I was happy that they quoted me on the mom serving pizzas (although they got it wrong). This really has me losing serious sleep. How in the WORLD are our kids going to learn the names of 53 planets?? One of them is going to be named XENA, for PETE's SAKE.

We should have guessed that planets would be a growth industry. My cousin told me last month, "Rob, invest in planets. I have some inside information from Prague that there are some BIG things in the works." Well stupid me, I stayed away from this tip and now look what has happened! I think this news alone got the Dow Jones shooting up to record highs. I mean, how many days are new planets added to the roster?

Maybe now that this is settled they can get to renaming Uranus (no not yours, the planet). It is just EMBARRASSINGNG to say. Especially when you say things like "Uranus has rings around it" or "Uranus has a methane gas atmosphere" or worst of all, "NASA just sent a probe to Uranus." I don't even like to think about that stuff.

So I can see us when we are old, talking to the grandchildren, "Yeah, I remember when there were only NINE planets. We even thought we would lose good ol' Pluto one day, but then all heck broke loose and they just let any ol' round rock become a planet. All this riff-raff in the solar system these days. It used to be that being a planet was something special, but not anymore!" I can't wait to bore my grandchildren with that one.

Thoughts on Pluto

This has upset me:

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) has gathered in Prague to finally settle a matter of galactic import: whether Pluto is in fact a planet or should be relegated to the second division of Kuiper Belt Objects and similar detritus.

Astonomers have to date failed dismally to agree what exactly constitutes a planet, as demonstrated by last year's Xena controversy which saw stargazers claim they'd discovered the solar system's tenth full-fat planet, while others used the opportunity to call for Pluto and Xena's classification as minor planets.

The matter may soon be settled once and for all, The Detroit Free Press reports, as the IAU is scheduled to "consider a resolution that defines a planet". The committee writing the resolution is maintaining a stony silence as to what it will finally recommend, but whatever it decides will inevitably cause a rumpus in either the pro or con Pluto camps.

Steve Maran, author of Astronomy for Dummies told the The Detroit Free Press: "This is such a hot issue. They never rule on things like this. There's a lot more to it than science," alluding to the fact that Pluto is the only planet discovered by an American.

Indeed, the US has a soft spot for Pluto, and any attempt to downgrade its status will certainly upset large numbers of fanatical schoolkids such as those who in 2000 bombarded the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History in New York with "hate mail" after it omitted the planet from a solar system exhibit.

Robert Williams, a vice president of the International Astronomical Union who's "deeply involved in the deliberations on Pluto", admitted: "My niece said to me, 'Are you going to demote Pluto?'."

Williams did, nonetheless, show his icy scientific cool with: "If that's the way it is, that's what we do. It's not written in stone anywhere there's got to be a numerable number of planets. If it upsets schoolchildren, I regret that."

So when is a planet not a planet? I understand the idea of there being a standard definition of planets (as Pluto is apparently very small compared to even Mercury), but this demotion of an entire planet has me wondering about the egos of these scientists. They hold a whole planet in an un-natural balance, with hordes of plutonians waiting to see if they will remain planet dwellers. It has got to be a power rush to be one of those who determine a planets worthiness of planethood.

So what if this goes to their head? What if they demote Rhode Island so it is no longer a state (after all, it isn't even an island). Liechtenstein would be removed from the ranks of countries as well. Small towns such as Belvidere, Nebraska (Pop. 98) would have to also be worried that they may be demoted by these power-mongers.

Personally, I think that we should think of demoting some small things. Chihuahuas, for instance, should be demoted to rodent status. The Cooper Mini should be demoted to go-cart status. Precious Moments figurines should just be gathered up and napalmed (not because they are small, I just have that fantasy).

Why doesn't this conference deal with the more pressing planetary problem: the name of the 7th planet, Uranus. It is embarrassing to say that planet, regardless of where you put the accent. It either talks about a part of the body we just don't want to discuss, or it talks about a bodily function that lives in the same neighborhood. They need to change this name to something much less embarrassing. Xena is the name of the other possible planet (see above) and was actually named after the TV character. Why not? Pluto is named after a Disney character! They could change the name of Uranus to Seinfeld or Bob Barker.

Well, one thing that would be really bothered by this demotion of Pluto from planethood would be the catchy song I learned when I was in school: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizza Pies. The point was to teach us the planets' names in order. Without Pluto, our mother would have to serve us Nothing. Now that would make kids sad.

Child Drives SUV

Not to be outdone by a dog...

A 5-year-old boy hopped behind the wheel of a sport utility vehicle and drove it several blocks looking for his mother following an argument with his grandmother, authorities said.

The child was not injured in his short drive last Wednesday, and his grandmother's 2004 Cadillac Escalade was stopped without incident.

The boy, whose full name wasn't released, started the truck, cranked up the stereo and stood on the driver's seat to see over the steering wheel, Washtenaw County Sheriff's Cmdr. Dave Egeler told The Ann Arbor News.

The boy told sheriff's deputies he was "looking for his mommy," police reports said. He was not expected to face any charges.

A motorist called police to report that her vehicle was nearly struck by an SUV that appeared to be driven by a child. Egeler said an off-duty deputy also noticed the boy and pulled him from the vehicle before he drove any farther.

The boy and his grandmother, who is his custodial guardian, got into an argument at their home in Ypsilanti Township, Egeler said. He grabbed the car keys and was told to drop them, authorities said, but took off after the grandmother became distracted by her infant granddaughter.

I find it especially amusing that:

1. He got into an argument with is grandmother, got real ticked-off, and took off with the keys. I hate to think of how he will be as a teenager.
   
2. He cranked up the stereo while he drove. I think he played "Rockin' Down the Highway" by the Doobie Brothers.
3. He drove several blocks without crashing the car.
4. They actually say "He was not expected to face any charges." Nah, throw him in the slammer! The punk. Try him as an adult. If he wants to be big, he needs to be treated like an adult.
5. It appears the infant created a diversion so he could carry out his plan. What a crafty infant!
6. He has driven an Escalade before I have. Lucky duck.

So what is the take-home message? Well, our days of trusting young children have drawn to a close. I'm sure he will have his driving privileges taken away for the next...10 years. He will never be satisfied with a Big Wheel again.

Maybe he just wanted to get out of a town with a goofy name. Ypsilanti....Sheesh!

Good Eater Award

My wife wanted to get me something strange. It was our anniversary, and she wanted something silly, as she knows absurdity is my style. This ribbon was out in my car, and is now hanging on my rear-view mirror. She was very careful to say that this was not a comment on my expanding waistline (although the fact that she put this disclaimer in makes me a little suspicious). She just was looking for the weirdest thing to give me and this was what she found.

I have to admit, the more I look at it, the stranger it seems to me. When would you want to give this award out? Would it be something a parent would use to motivate a child to eat what is in front of them on the plate? Would it be given at an obesity camp for someone who did not go after the fattening foods but was the "biggest loser?" Would this be simply given to the child who was good at nothing, but in fairness needed something given to them, so awarding them for doing a daily function was the best that could be done? If so, is there a "Good Breather Award" or a "Good Standing Up Award?"

Then there is the issue of the monkey. When I think of something that represents the idea of being a "good eater," a monkey with a banana is not at the top of my mind. Wouldn't a hippo, elephant, or Jabba the Hutt be a better image? Maybe it is not the quantity of the eating, but rather the quality of the eating. After all, a banana is a fairly healthy thing to eat, and the monkey seems to be doing so with vim and vigor. Plus, he is not making a mess of things like the hippo would - he is setting a real example to the children of the world as to how you should eat a banana.

I bet he is not counting carbs, though. If this was an award for the Atkin's diet, the "Good Eater Award" would picture a carnivore of some sort, like a dog, puma, or Great White Shark. Well, I'll have to keep my eye open for one of those.

Anyhow, I display my award so all the world can see that I am, in fact, a good eater. I don't think that those around me would doubt this fact. I take comfort in the fact that, after 16 years of marriage, my wife still considers me a good eater. What more can you ask for? Good father? Good example for our children? Good doctor? No, I am a good eater.

At least this wasn't the "Good TV-Watching, Lazy Slob Award." Then I would really start to worry.