Saturday, September 02, 2006

Nothing Precious about this

An evil force is in our midst. I know I have given you warnings before: about cows, monkeys, falling dogs, driving dogs, stupid people, monkeys drinking beer, drunk birds, driving children, to name a few. Yet there is one force that may be the force of evil behind them all.

Precious moments.

These seemingly innocent images of seemingly cute (albeit somewhat deformed) children with enormous heads and teardrop eyes have craftily infiltrated our world with sinister intent. Photographic evidence abounds to their connections with evil people, past and present.

There is little doubt in my mind what their intent really is: world domination for the forces of hell. How can it be that such cute and cuddly creatures would sell their souls for such a sinister purpose? No one really knows what was the tipping point. Was it the diversification of Hallmark stores to other figurine types? Was it crass commercialization of the Precious Moments brand, bringing us Angels, Bibles, and even a Precious Moments chapel?? It is not clear what brought about this change, but clearly there is a new agenda on their mind. Clearly this rage has been captured and manipulated by the forces of evil.

There have been sightings with Al Kaida Terrorists. There have been rumors of suicide figurines blowing up on the mantles of little old ladies. Some say Bin Laden himself can be found occasionally browsing the web for porcelain figurines.

Historians are starting to uncover a sordid tale of mischief that dates back to the middle ages. The famous painting of Hell by Bosch, pictured on the right, when studied closely reveals images that frighteningly resemble Precious Moments characters. Attila the Hun supposedly had a soft spot for the macrocephalic mementos and kept a collection next to his axes and spears. If anyone chipped even a small piece off of one of them, they were tortured mercilessly.

Adolph Hitler himself was known to like the Christmas ornaments, and was possibly motivated to attack Poland on the mistaken belief that there was a secret store of the rarest of these figurines.

Whatever is the case, there is little doubt (as you can see from the photographs) that these creatures must be stopped. They are infiltrating homes, schools, churches, and synagogues. They are capturing our elderly, poor, weak, and young - turning them against all that is good and filling their minds with the need to buy more, more, more of these dastardly demons.

Resist it. Resist with all your might. They can be stopped, but we must take up arms as soon as possible. Once they have set their evil little claws in you, there is no return.