Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Scary Cows

My last post spoke about hairpieces and heart attacks. Well, now let's talk about hairpieces and cows. There is trouble afoot in Ohio:

State Fair Has A Cow About Bovine Hairpieces
- Associated Press

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- Three livestock exhibitors at last year's Ohio State Fair have been disqualified for allegedly outfitting their Holstein cows with hairpieces.

State Fair inspectors said the three glued or painted hair from another part of the animal or from another animal to create straighter backs on the cows and enhance their appearance in the show ring.

Kreg Krebs and his brother Kenneth of Fredericksburg, and Scott Long of Clayton, Mich., could be required to forfeit all winnings, said Department of Agriculture spokeswoman Melanie Wilt. The winnings had been withheld by fair officials.

Wilt said state inspectors at the fair discovered the fake hair when the cows were leaving the show ring on Aug. 10.

The men have 30 days to request a hearing in which they could present their cases to an independent hearing officer

I think they are also looking into the allegations of udder implants. This is a shameful practice and preys on the insecurities of cows. The inspectors became suspicious when they saw the cows' pictures on the "before and after" pictures for the Hair Club for Cows (HCFC). HCFC spokesman Harry Back responded, "It is not a toupee, it is a hair weave. Why don't you folks get this right?".

Also on the subject of cows:

Chilean taxi driver combats crime with cows

A Chilean taxi driver has come up with a new way to fight assaults: make your vehicle so conspicuous that nobody would dare try to rob you.

After being robbed several times, Juan Geraldo upholstered and covered every square inch of his car's interior with black and white spotted cowhides, including the steering wheel and ceiling. He then decorated the interior with stuffed toy cows, and added a horn that moos.

The visual effect is even more impressive at night, when the black and white taxi interior is set off from floor to ceiling by a flood of neon light.

"The effect was immediate. They haven't robbed me since," said Geraldo, who said the special effects also brought in more clientele and allowed him to expand his cab fleet from one car to nine.

The 46-year-old taxi driver with 27 years of experience completes the cow theme by dressing in a cowhide jacket and hat.

"The numbers don't lie, the cow cabs attract more clients," Geraldo said. "Today almost all of our business is with repeat customers."

Geraldo said about 80 percent of his clients are women and that he gets calls from television personalities, former government officials and for children's birthday parties.

Although he has rejected an idea suggested by some to rent out the cow cabs for amorous encounters, he is trying to patent his idea and is keen on coming up with other variants.

"Some would love the idea of a zebra cab or a lion cab," said Geraldo. "It's a question of using your imagination."

OK, so making a fool out of yourself in a cab can keep criminals away. Hot news. The cow costume he was wearing and his propensity for squirting milk at his passengers has also had an effect on would-be robbers.

Let me suggest a few other options:

  • An Emu cab
  • A Tick cab (Scabies would be good too).
  • A slug cab - that would scare them off - it could leave a trail of slime.
  • A parasite cab (with Parasite Pals decorating it)


Flying Cow Leaves Two Police Cars in Flames

Talk about a wild night near Seguin. A cow came flying out of its trailer, sent DPS and police scrambling, and left two police cars going up in flames.

"It was almost hard to believe," said Detective Sergeant Maureen Watson. She has been in law enforcement for 15 years, and says she "never had a day like this. I mean the best way to characterize this it, is it's bizarre. It's really really strange."

It's strange because it started out with a truck towing cattle, and ended in fire.

Watson told News 4 WOAI, "We believe the gate of the cattle trailer came open, and the cow, for lack of a better phrase spilled out onto the Interstate. It was pretty chaotic for a while."

Several cars hit some of the cows. One cow died. DPS troopers called for backup.

That's when one officer was nearly run down by a speeding truck, carrying two illegal immigrants inside.

Seguin Police were out looking for those illegal immigrants. They parked their cars in the hot grass, burning two of them including that brand new 2006 Crown Victoria. Watson said, "Well, all of a sudden, another officer who'd arrived on the scene, alerted the sergeant that there was a fire."

Everything inside was destroyed, including tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment designed for the patrol cars.

"You start off with kind of a bizarre accident with these cows spilling onto the interstate. That leads to other accidents, that leads to a car chase, that leads to a foot chase," Watson recalls.

The two mexican immigrants, ages 21 and 23, are in custody for illegally entering the country and evading arrest. Watson says they have replacement cars for now, but hope the city council will vote to get new cars soon.

Egad! Flying cows destroying cars?? I won't be able to sleep tonight. The question for me is if this is merely an accident or if these are suicide bombers. I mean, why would the cars explode? These cows were probably packing plastic explosives in their bells. We know about the conspiracy that they have mounted to take over, so here is more evidence of the plot.

There are a couple of interesting statements in this article:

  • What does he mean by "almost hard to believe?" Does that mean that it is actually easy, but with just a little bit of oddity would push it over the edge?
  • What does this mean: "and the cow, for the lack of a better phrase?" What other phrase would be better? Bovine? Mooer? Evil conspiracy accomplice? Minion of Satan?
  • Then they say that one cow died, but they called for backup. Why call for a backup cow? I thought they were part of the problem!
  • Was the speeding truck carrying illegal immigrant cows? I did not know there was immigration policies for cows. Are they trying to sneak across the border? From Canada to Wisconsin??

So there it is. More cow info. Now you can live a rich and fulfilling life (although you will always look at this moment as the pinnacle).