Saturday, July 15, 2006

Cows Getting in on the Act

Well, things have gone from bad to worse. From the blog of Belvidere, NE (Pop 98), mayor Spooner Jenkins talks of an outbreak of horizontal cows in his fair city. Now, I am no cow expert (I do internal medicine and pediatrics, but no bovines), but I have always felt that vertical was the proper orientation for cows (although how exactly they are oriented is really their own personal decision and I won't judge them on the basis of that). This has gotten to be such a phenomenon that the Discovery Channel is sending a crew to do a documentary on it.

Well, with my growing knowledge base of animals gone bad, I think there may be more to it than meets the eye. With dogs running down innocent people as they get their mail and drunk monkey gangs in Roanoke, VA, it seems to me that this is more than just a crop circle type of phenomenon. I think it may be a conspiracy of a more sinister kind. Yes, it is the cow-monkey-dog conspiracy. I have it on good authority that there is a telepathic bond between these critters and they have been plotting to take over the country (or at least the Midwest).

Witness the phenomenon in the upper Midwestern states of Minnesota, Wisconsin, and North Dakota. There is an army of giant cows mobilizing as we speak (See below). This is really a frightening development. You have heard of "Mad Cow Disease?" Why do you think they are so mad? They are tired of being abused by the farmers and mocked in Chick-Fil-A ads. The dogs and monkeys have put this idea in their heads.

Anyway, I don't think the horizontal cow phenomenon is just a curiosity. I think these cows are saving up their strength and putting all their energy into growing (like those upper Midwest cows have done). Once they form enough of an army, there will be no stopping them. My advice? Watch out, Spooner!