I'll get the Special...

I have previously posted about interesting use of recreational drugs. Now it seems there is a growing trend in the fast food industry related to this:

Police find burgers sprinkled with pot

Three workers at a Burger King restaurant were arrested after two Isleta tribal police officers discovered that the hamburgers they ordered were sprinkled with marijuana.
The Isleta Police Department officers ate about half of their burgers Sunday before discovering marijuana on the meat. The officers used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for a medical evaluation.
The three Burger King employees — Justin Armijo, 19; Robert Nuckols, 21; and manager Joseph Ledesma, 33 — were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, a felony.

This brings new meaning to the old expression "Have it your way." It seems to me that this is a clever ploy to get repeat business. Once these customers start consuming these burgers regularly, they will find they start to have a really strong craving for more burgers. It is a marketing stroke of genius!

One clue that this may not have been a BK on the "up and up" was the "Rastafarians Welcome" sign in front of the restaurant, as well as the Bob Marley music playing over the PA system.

Once the burger joints get an idea, the Mexican restaurants are soon to follow:

Woman accused putting drugs in burrito

A woman who brought a burrito to a friend in jail has been accused of using the burrito to try to smuggle in heroin. Rosemary Gonzales, 42, is charged with bringing contraband into a place of imprisonment. Bond was set at $5,000.
Corrections officers found a hypodermic needle inside the burrito that Gonzales brought Tuesday to a female inmate at the Rio Arriba County jail, according to a report filed in Rio Arriba County Magistrate Court.
Officers rinsed off the needle and discovered a brown substance that later tested positive for heroin, the report said.

Now I have heard of a "super value meal," and it is common practice to have a "kid's meal" with a prize inside, but since when have they been offering "inmate's meals??" The slogan would go: "Get a hypodermic needle free with every burrito purchased." Well, I suppose they'd get repeat customers.

Finally, after you have had your hamburger and burrito, you need some dessert to cap it off:

Green substance not pistachio ice cream

The ice cream container had a green substance in it, but it wasn't pistachio. Jackson
County's sheriff's office said a woman was arrested Sunday for trying to bring
marijuana hidden in an ice cream container to an inmate.
Lacheral Williams, 27, was charged with the introduction of contraband to a correctional facility after she was searched by an employee at Sunland Pathways, sheriff's Major John Dennis said.
Authorities said they found "a green leafy substance" in a pint-sized ice cream container Williams had brought with her when she came to visit a resident of the forensic unit for developmentally disabled offenders.
No one else was charged because the marijuana never made its way to a resident, authorities told the Jackson County Floridan.
The 34-bed Sunland Pathways facility is surrounded by a fence with razor wire, and is meant for offenders who have been judged high-functioning but borderline entally
retarded.

So at Baskin Robbins, the Flavor of the Month is "Ganga Surprise." There is not a mention of there being a hypodermic needle included when you purchase, so the Mexican places have a leg-up on the ice cream shops - certainly with the inmate population.

Finally, here is just another Really Stupid Person story:

Man allegedly tells police he stole pot

A man who police say was caught with two pounds of marijuana allegedly told officers the drugs weren't his because he stole it.
Bradley Robison, 18, of Cedar Rapids, was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and failure to affix a drug tax stamp.
When police found him with the marijuana he said he had stolen it from a nearby business that he had just broken into, court records show.
Linn County Attorney Harold Denton said it doesn't matter how Robison got the marijuana — only that he had it.
"If you steal it, you steal it and you possess it," Denton said. "It's a double whammy."
Robison was caught by officers after they saw him running from the area early Tuesday morning, police said.
A burglary charge was being considered but had not been immediately filed.
The investigation also led to a possession with intent to deliver charge being filed against Ruban Rivas, 36, no address given, for allegedly having the marijuana at the business that Robison broke into, court records show.
Both men were taken to jail but later released.

Well what can I say? Is this proof enough for us to show that drugs kill brain cells? What did he expect the police to say, "Oh, I didn't realize you had stolen the pot. Having drugs is OK as long as you steal it. You may go."?

They never mentioned what kind of store he stole it from. I wonder if it was a Burger King? One thing is for sure, he has a long career ahead of him in the fast-food industry.

Stick to it

I learned to draw silly faces while in boring classes. I remember doodling endlessly in certain classes to pass the time. I would say that I was paying attention, but the fact is, I never did all that good in these boring classes. Fortunately, I was able to overcome my doodling and get into medical school.

To my delight, I found that this odd talent could be very useful in pediatric practice. I now put young children at ease by drawing a silly face on a tongue depressor and making it kiss them on the nose. This usually gets a smile and gives them something to play with. Some kids have kept these sticks for months after I gave them one. Others ask for different faces on both sides of both ends (I am not talented enough to draw 4 different pictures like this, but I do my best).

Much of pediatrics is about creating comfort. There are some children who scream no matter what you do. There was a period of time where I took care of several of these children who went to my church. The problem was that they would scream loudly whenever they saw me, even in church. This was somewhat annoying for me and very embarrassing for the parents. Most children, however are capable of being drawn in if you are creative enough.

For almost as long as I have practiced, I have had a Scooby Doo sticker on my stethoscope. This is a lot of fun for kids, making them less scared of this otherwise medically intimidating object. I have Scooby kiss their back and chest while I am auscultating their lungs and heart. This at least gets me a few seconds. Since I am also an internist, it is interesting to see the reaction from the older segment of my patient population. I have yet to hear complaints about it, but I doubt they would complain about it to me. I am who I am, however. I am not a formal guy (I posted earlier about wearing sandals), foregoing the tie and white coat for the more casual look. If patients don't like it, they can find another doctor. I have 5000+ who do like it, so I am satisfied.

Stickers are especially important. I am fanatical about having good stickers in the office. For boys, having Spider Man (more popular than Batman and Superman), Hot Wheels, and some sort of heavy construction equipment stickers is a must. For girls, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, and Dora the Explorer stickers are equally important. A mini-crisis ensues if we are without these. For the 6-8 year old boys, I like to hand them a Barbie sticker and see their reaction. They treat it like it is coated with Ebola virus or radioactivity. The parents get a good laugh.

I often find that the younger children are more comfortable if you give them a sticker before starting your exam. Getting a gift can improve the visit considerably. I am also fond of tickling children. I have said that pediatrics is one of the only professions where you can tickle someone without being arrested. You have to pick and choose who you tickle, but doing so has gotten me labelled by some children as the "tickle doctor" (others have called me "doctor macaroni" for the fact that I find it in their ears).

The bottom line is that I like the kids to see the experience as enjoyable and even fun. I know that this is not always possible. Cleaning out ears and giving shots can greatly dampen my public relations efforts. Some children are not ever charmed. But it is the laughter and smiles that makes pediatrics so enjoyable for me, and such a nice contrast to my internal medicine practice.

We do not EVER give Precious Moments stickers
They are of the Devil!

A Child by any other name...

I never knew it, but one of the hardest things to decide was what to name our children. The name sticks for the rest of their lives, so we took care to do the best for them we could. We chose fairly traditional names, but many choose to choose other types. I would group names in the following categories:

1. Traditional - These are biblical names or older names, like David, Jonathan, Elizabeth.


2. "Trendy" names - As a pediatrician, you see these waves of certain names come across. For a while it was Courtney, or Ashley. After that, the trend became naming girls with traditionally boy's names (Taylor, Michael)


3. Family names - Naming kids after parents or other family memebers. This is very common in the south. I actually never knew before getting here that many of the common nicknames were based on the "Number" after the name. For instance: Deuce, or Junior are for John Smith, Jr. Trey or Tripp for III. Corder for IV - that is one I had not heard much about.


4. Weird names - For some reason, people feel there are names that are "fun" to name their kids. I am not sure why they would do this, but they seem to put their desires ahead of what would be best for the child. A good example is as follows:

Sports fan names newborn son ESPN

Sat Oct 7, 9:16 AM ET
Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.

Rusty Real, of D'Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana.

Baby ESPN isn't alone.

Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network's 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan.

"We were the talk of the hospital," Rusty Real said. "The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, 'Oh, yes.'"

What are they going to name their other kids, Food Network? Spice? Golf Channel? This really falls into the "get a life" category. I am well aware that there are a lot of kids down south named after Nascar Drivers (I had one kid named "Chase" after the Nascar Chase for the cup).

Some mythical names are infamous in the pediatric comminity that I am aware of are:

1. Orangejello and Lemonjello - accent is on the 2nd syllable.
   


2. Neisseria - Named after the bacteria that causes gonorrhea


3. Aquanet - Named for hairspray


4. Female - the myth goes "dad saw it on the band on the child's arm, and thought it was the name." Again, accent on 2nd syllable


5. I heard about a family with the last name of "Updegrave" and they named their kids Doug, Phill, and a few others I can't remember

A website with more names can be found here.
OK - now I want to hear some more stories in this way.

For Cathy

A flash of anger went across his face. With no warning, Fred’s whole day had changed. What had started as a drive in the country had now turned into a visit to the dark lord himself. “How could this be? Why would this happen to me?” He thought.

Slowly he opened the door and walked to the front of the car. The cow lay dead in front and blocked his way to help. Fred shook his head and sighed. “I didn’t even hit it that hard. I thought I had stopped in time. What was that cow doing in the middle of the road anyhow?” The cow just lay there, silent, unmoving.

He had been warned about this, in a sense, by a dream he had just two nights before. In the dream he had been flying over the city wearing only his underwear and a bandana on his head. He was suddenly surrounded by a herd of cows – all flying chaotically around him. He swerved up, down to avoid them, but they kept on coming. In the background was the sound of barking. The barking was not the happy barking that greeted him at home in the form of his dog Sparky, it was an evil-sounding bark. The coldness of the sound froze him to his soul.

Boom! He ran into one cow, which fell to the ground. Boom! Another cow. Soon he could not avoid hitting cows and they each fell perilously to the ground, landing on homes, cars, and people. Screams rose from the ground as the cows continued to fall, but Fred could not avoid them. The sound of screams rose, but the evil sound of barking was never lost in the din.

Fred had awakened with a start and with the faint smell of bananas lingering in his head. What had this dream meant? He asked his wife, but she just suggested going up on his lithium dose. He asked his friend Harold, but he was distracted by some sad story about a dead llama in Oakland. Harold liked llamas a lot, so Fred knew he just had to find someone else to help.

Finally he went to his pastor, Brother Pete, who had played a very important role in Fred’s finding the job at the suction-cup factory. Pete would understand.

After having the dream related to him, Brother Pete scratched his chin and thought. “I remember when my brother Barney had a dream like this. Boy, was that ever a strange dream! He was covered in taco sauce and licked by cows and dogs who were singing Jewish folk songs.”

“Really? What happened to him after that dream?” Asked Fred.

“He was arrested for public nudity. Yeah, he was sleep walking and went out on the street and stripped naked so he could get the taco sauce off of himself and escape the cows and dogs. A neighbor saw him and called the police. They didn’t believe his story and thought he was some kind of drug addict.”

“So what does that have to do with my dream?”

“I have no idea,” answered Brother Pete, “but it sure was a hard thing to tell our mother why he was not there for Thanksgiving. Anyhow, I don’t think you have anything to worry about with this dream. People have dreams about flying cows and barking dogs all the time, and they are just fine. Really, it is one of my most common areas of counseling. I was going to preach my next sermon on it, using the text about the dog returning to his own vomit. It’s one of my favorite verses.”

Fred left Brother Pete more confused than when he came. Does everyone really dream about this? How come I have never heard of it before? He walked along the quit streets of the town thinking to himself. His quiet thoughts were interrupted with a sound.

“Psst! Hey, you…guy with the funny slouch.”

Fred felt indignant. “I don’t slouch! I have great posture!”

“Yeah, yeah, they all say that. Come over here!”

“Where are you? I can hear you, but I can’t see anything.”

“Over here, at the holly bush.”

Fred walked cautiously toward the bush and looked carefully. Two yellow eyes stared up at him from the bramble.

“Don’t come any closer. I can’t let them see me. I have some alarming news to tell you. You are being watched by some shady characters.”

“What, me?” asked Fred. “Why would they be following me?”

“You carry information that some very powerful people want to get hold of. Did you have a strange dream lately?”

“Well, yes. How did you know?”

“That’s not important,” replied the voice, still in a whisper. “That dream contained information that can put some very powerful people behind bars for a long time. They want to get you and I am here to tell you how to escape.”

Fred stood motionless. Was he to trust this strange voice and the strange information it gave him? How did it know about the dream? “Who are you?” Fred asked, hoping to get some glimpse of the face behind the voice from the bush.

“That’s not important. What is important is that you follow my instructions closely. Your life may depend on it. Tomorrow at exactly 2 PM, tell your wife that you are going to the grocery store and take your car out to Old Foonman Road toward the quarry. When you cross the old canal, turn right onto the dirt road that goes alongside the canal. Someone will be there to give you further instructions. That is all I can tell you. I am gone now!”

“Wait, I need to know more!” Fred cried out, but the voice was gone and only silence remained.

That night, he slept restlessly. Would he have another dream? Should he follow the instructions given to him by that mysterious voice in the bush? What about the Jewish folk songs?

He awoke that morning again smelling the faint odor of bananas. His wife was in the kitchen when he walked in. “I smell bananas. Are you cooking something?”

“Fred, have you cut back on your lithium again? I told you to stay on the dose doctor Richardson recommended.”

Fred ignored her remark about the lithium. It was always her way out of difficult questions. He was used to it.

When 2 O’clock came around, Fred nervously told his wife he was off to the store and left before she could make another comment about lithium. He drove cautiously down Old Foonman Road and across the old canal. He turned onto the dirt road. Where was the person with the instructions? Fred looked around to find this person. When he looked forward again, he was suddenly confronted by the imposing figure of a large cow. He slammed on his brakes, but could not avoid hitting it. The cow fell to the ground with a great thud.

As Fred surveyed the damage, he heard a rustle in the trees next to his car. From the woods there came the racing figure of a dog with a small monkey on its back. The monkey was wearing an army helmet and smelled vaguely of bananas. He heard a loud laugh and an evil-sounding bark as the dog leapt through the open door of his car. The cow suddenly jumped up and ran to the side of the road. The door slammed shut and the dog hit the gas.

“Wheeeee….! See ya later, sucker! They fall for it every time!”

This yell came from the lips of the dog. He recognized the voice. It was the same one who whispered to him from the bush the night before. The car sped off as the dog and monkey sped off down the dirt road in his car. Fred saw the car swerve to the left, then to the right. Finally the car flew over the bank of the canal and into the water.

Fred ran to the edge of the water and watched as the dog and monkey narrowly escaped from the car as it sunk to the bottom of the canal. “I told you not to trust the dog’s driving,” yelled the cow to the monkey, as the primate swam to the far side.

Fred’s head spun with the rapid events of the last minute. That dog had tricked him into bringing his car out here. The cow and the monkey were in on it too! That dog had lied to him so that he could steal his car!

He started sobbing quietly to himself. “What has my life come to? What will I tell my wife?”

He was an innocent victim of a lie told in silence....

Jim, is that you?

Jim the Mediocre Emu just posted on this blog. Well, what happens but I open up my homepage and read this article:

Wayward emu captured at W.Va. school

2 hours, 2 minutes ago

No kids, that's not Big Bird from Sesame Street. It was an emu that wandered onto the Anne Bailey Elementary School grounds near St. Albans Thursday afternoon.

No one seems to know where the bird came from, but a Charleston doctor has agreed to take the bird to his farm and release it.

Kanawha County deputies came by and helped cage it after school officials called numerous agencies asking what to do about the bird.

I think this is more than just a coincidence. Emus just don't appear in West Virginia (that I know of). If there are any readers from West VA that know otherwise, please let me know. Is WVA the "Emu appearing state?" Does Jim have an explanation for me? I wan't to know!

THEN I get a blog post from Fergie the Consternate Alapaca, and this article comes around:

Judge dismisses alpaca paternity lawsuit

A judge dismissed a lawsuit filed over the paternity of a baby alpaca, but the ruling might not mark the end of the barnyard soap opera. Cathy Crosson sued in Monroe Circuit Court to get the owners of an Illinois breeding farm to disclose which of its male alpacas sired the year-old offspring of her prized female, Peruvian Lily of the Incas.

She accused Likada Farms, of Wayne, Ill., of improperly breeding Peruvian Lily and then refusing to identify the offspring's father. Without the male's name, Crosson said she cannot register or sell the young alpaca.

But Monroe Circuit Judge E. Michael Hoff said this week that Crosson's case was filed in the wrong venue. He said the out-of-state farm does not do enough Indiana business for the suit to be valid in Monroe County.

Attorney Bob Mann, who represented Likada Farms, was happy with the judge's decision to dismiss the case.

"We got what we asked for," Mann said.

However, because the case was dismissed without prejudice, another lawsuit can be filed. Crosson said Thursday that she plans to continue her court battle to discover the father of the baby alpaca.

It seems that Alpacas have relationship problems. First Fergie has problems with Steve Simmonshire, then Peruvian Lilly of the Incas gets intimate with a "non-approved" alapaca (presumably not of the Incas). This tryst could really complicate the royal line of the Incan Alpacas. I am sure that the tabloids are soon to get wind of this, as they have a love for royalty.

Perhaps just having a fancy name like Alpaca, Emu, or Llama goes to the head of the critter at times. I am still real loyal to llamas as a species, but all of this craziness has me scratching my head.

Some dogs go to heaven

Holly (my informant) wants me to point out that not all dogs are bad. Take the following article, for example:

Dog and Goat Team Up to Save Farmer's Life after Cow Knocks Him into 'the Poop'

BENALLA (Australia) — Here's a news item that reads like a twisted version of "Old MacDonald".

Noel Osborne had a farm (e-i-e-i-o). And on that farm he had a cow (e-i-e-i-o). On Oct. 8, the cow apparently knocked him into a pile of manure, breaking his hip and rendering him immobile. He might have died if not for his faithful dog and pet goat who took care of him for five days until help arrived.

According to the Herald Sun, Mr. Osborne, 78, endured storms, cold nights and hot days as he lay incapacitated in the open field with severe injuries. He was kept sheltered by huddling between his goat "Mandy" on one side and his dog (also named "Mandy") on the other. For nourishment, he subsisted on milk from the goat.

(Too bad they weren't in a wheat field, or the dog could've fixed him some collie flour.)

Mr. Osborne describes his ordeal: after the cow had bumped him into "the poop," he called for help, but no one was around.

"I couldn't move," he says. "I yelled and yelled but nobody could hear.

"That evening the goat came and I was able to get hold of an old bottle and I milked her into the bottle and I was able to have a drink. She slept there beside me every night I was there."

The other Mandy (the dog) also curled up with him to provide warmth and reportedly brought him some old bones as he lay waiting for help ("No, Mandy —I said 'phone!' ").

Finally on Oct. 13, some friends stopped by Mr. Osborne's remote property and found him weak and delirious but still alive thanks to his four-legged pals. Thanks to an ample supply of goat's milk, Mr. Osborne's ba-a-a-ad experience did not end in feta-lity. He was taken by ambulance to Benalla and District Memorial Hospital and treated.

First, I would like to apologize about the stupid humor in this article. It is moderately nauseating. The point must be taken, however that the dog and goat are heroes. I don't know if the goat was a good influence keeping the dog from going to the dark side (kind of like Obi-Wan Kenobi). But it heartwarming to see how the animals stood by their man. It is also apparent that the cow was not so influenced by the goat in a good way, trying to bump off the farmer.

A couple of other observations:

• This guy named both his goat and cow Mandy. I am not sure if he was a big Barry Manilow fan prior to this, but he certainly is now. Since he is from Australia, I am surprised he did not name them all Bruce or Shiela. It is not clear in the article if the cow was named Mandy as well.
  
• I hope a cow bumps the writer of this article into the "Poop" after writing this hideous article.
  
• Rumor has it that this dog has subsequently been shunned from the secret dog society meetings and has not been able to get into a driver's ed class since this incedent.

Let me end with a tribute to these fine animals:

Yesterday's a dream
I face the morning
Crying on the breeze
the pain is calling, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away,
oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy

Please, no weeping on the keyboard.

Ha, Ha, Mandy, I am going to drive a car when I grow up!

My informant

Yes, Laundress, Holly is half Shar-Pei, half Yellow Lab. She has kept be abreast of any conspiracies she has caught wind of. She is highly dedicated to my wife (In fact, we finally understand the expression "dogging someone," as she never lets Terri out of her sight), and a good watch dog. Here she is contentedly sitting on the deck at the cottage up in Michigan (one of her favorite spots in the world).

Come on, you have trouble taking me seriously???

Planet of the Dogs?

The evidence just keeps piling up:

Joyriding Dog Drives Garbage Truck into River

GREENVILLE, NH — Most dogs just tear up the trash. "Bear", a 3-year-old Newfoundland, went so far as to dump a truckload of trash—as well as the truck—into the Souhegan River.

Now that's what I call an overachiever.

Just after 4:30am on Thursday morning, a 10-wheeled trash compactor truck smashed through the guardrails on Adams Street and landed nose first in the river below. Behind the wheel, unharmed but rather excited, was the furry, four-footed perpetrator of the crime.

Again, if a baby were driving this truck, he probably would have done just fine (as outlined in a previous post). Why must people continue to be so trusting of these dogs?? They are overcome with a sense of power when left alone at the wheel. You might just as well throw a steak in front of them.

Equally scary...

Dog and Cows Steal Pickup Truck

ALVA, OK (USA) — According to an article in NewsOK, a gang of farmyard car-thieves pulled off the animal heist of the century when they cleverly liberated a man of his pickup truck. While one cow created a roadside diversion on Lyle Sneary's Oklahoma farm, prompting Mr. Sneary to exit his truck, "Rancher" the dog locked the doors and took off. Meanwhile, adding insult to absurdity, the rest of the herd of cows charged at the hapless man.

It would've been the perfect crime, except that the dog crashed the truck into a tree several yards down the path.

"That part of the day I was not real happy," says Mr. Sneary.

Some time after the incident, Oklahoma Highway Patrol Trooper Chris West stopped by the house and assessed the situation, reporting: "I'm going to have to revoke Rancher's driver's license."

Mr. Sneary describes how he and Rancher, a Blue Heeler, were feeding cattle in a pasture when the dog noticed a cow that was down. The two drove to the heifer, and Mr. Sneary left Rancher inside the pickup truck while he went to check on the cow.

He managed to get the cow back on her feet and fed her some hay. That's when the rest of the herd began to charge toward him, coming for the food.

The farmer started yelling and waving at the herd, causing Rancher to get excited inside the cab of the pickup truck. First the dog jumped on the automatic door lock, locking the vehicle. Then he jumped on the dash, knocking the gear shift out of park. Then he stomped on it.

When Mr. Sneary saw the truck moving, he jumped onto the sideboard and tried to reach inside the window to control the vehicle, but it was heading straight for a tree.

At the last instant, the man bailed out and rolled into a field where he watched his truck slam into the tree, smashing the front end.

The man and dog had to walk a mile and a half to a telephone so they could call Mrs. Sneary.

Lyle... you've got a lot of 'splainin' to do!

I think this is a picture of the dog flying out of the truck while

the cow watches on in horror

People think I am just going off the deep end on this consipracy thing, but THIS STUFF IS REAL!!! There is also another reference to the horizontal cow phenomenon seen in Belvidere, NE (pop 98). I suspect some sort of telepathic bond between the cows and the dog. It is clear that this was a well-planned event, even with the stampede of cows attacking the farmer (who is a blue heel...I think there is a cream you can use to get rid of that). Yet the brash overconfidence that the dog shows is evident as he once again crashes the truck.

Notice too that the man had his license taken away. It is commonly felt among the police that people should be held responsible for their dog's behavior. When a dog commits a crime, the owners are held negligent as having poorly trained the dog. The options here are that they should have trained the dog better to obey its master, or they should have first enrolled him in drivers ed.

Finally, the most scary news...

Man Shot to Death. Prime Suspect: Dog

(Date unverified) Bad Uracht, Germany

A German man was fatally shot in his car after a hunting expedition. Police found the murder weapon on the car seat where the man had apparently placed it.

Investigators believe the culprit to be the man's dog who evidently jumped on the gun when entering the car, causing it to discharge.

No witnesses could be found, and the dog is refusing to speak

This picture was found in the glove box of the car. Apparently the
police covered up the part about the monkey with the bazooka.
Yikes! That is scary!

The dog carried out his plan just like he wanted to. The only problem was that the man had the keys in his pocket, and a dog without opposable thumbs can't get a hold, so he was stuck to be
caught red-pawed at the scene of the crime.

As an aside, who would move to a town named "Bad Urach?" It is two miles away from Good Urach, which is much cleaner and has a working sewer system. Maybe the dog was just upset at living in such a bad town? I have to say, I couldn't blame him if that were the case.

Overall, this scares me to death. These dogs are getting bolder by the day. People and Llamas of the world need to band together and protect ourselves from this devious plan to take over.
I just hope the Air Force is keeping the dogs out of the cockpits of their fighter jets!

Here are a few more worrisome pics:

The cows, tired of the poor track record of driving dogs,
are trying other novel means of transportation.


"Okay, now you do that horizontal thing and get him
out of the truck and I'll take it from there..."

Bring your mama, buy a llama

Wow. My life has just been shaken to the core. Read below:

Dead Llama Mystifies Oakland Officials

A dead llama found in the streets has left city officials wondering how the South American animal ended up abandoned in an urban area.

At first, East Oakland residents assumed the 400-pound animal with black and white spots was a horse and called the city's animal control department to report the find.

"At first it looked like a horse — all we saw was a head sticking out from a tarp," said Andrew Gordon, with Oakland's Animal Control Field Services. "But I looked at it closely, and I said, 'Look at the ears — that's a llama.' "

The llama's legs were tied up and it was covered with a tarp, but it appears to have died of old age, Gordon said.

Residents of the Oakland hills sometimes keep llamas, who are members of the camel family, as pets.

"I can't think of any reason someone would just dump it," he said. "People who have animals that good usually have money."

But Gordon said he probably wouldn't spend much time solving the mystery of the llama.

The animal doesn't seem to have suffered abuse, and since it wasn't branded he does not know where to start looking for the owners.

What they do not understand is the significance of finding a dead Llama in an urban area. Llamas are tremendously amazing creatures, inspiring great passion in many around the world. Why would this llama have died of old age in the middle of Oakland? I can see why someone might want to get out of Oakland as quickly as possible, but to die under a tarp? I think there is trouble afoot.

Here is another story about someone in Maine having their pet Llama named Ginger murdered. Well, a follow-up article reveals more startling news:

The llama plot thickens

Remember the slain pet llama in North Anson? Sure you do.

In the latest development in the case, the principal of School Administrative District 74 has been disciplined for showing students photos of the dead llama. Mary F. Adley convened an assembly and showed the photos to students on an overhead projector in an apparent attempt to get students to tell authorities whether they knew anything about the case. School authorities had been told that a Carrabec Community School student was under investigation for the crime and the photos were left with them — but not to share.

William "Fig" Newton, animal-control officer in Anson, said two juveniles were seen leaving the scene of the crime.

[SAD 74 Superintendent Regina P.] Campbell confirmed there was a tip from Newton that a seventh-grader was among Carrabec Community School students under investigation.

(Aside: William "Fig" Newton! As if this story could GET any better.)

Parents are upset by the incident and Newton says that the investigation has been compromised because of it. Parent Kimberly Collins of Anson in particular didn't find the presentation appropriate. "She showed photos on an overhead projector of an animal with its throat slit and its side gushing out," she said.

So kids are showing pictures of dead Llamas in school? I have heard about kids sharing bad pictures with each other, but this is not what I had in mind. I tried to find a follow-up on this article, but was unable. My suspicion is that the juvenile delinquents that perpetrated this crime have since moved to Oakland. If only William "Fig" Newton were on the case in Oakland!

What's so upsetting about all of this is the fact that llamas are the gentlest of God's creatures. How many times have you heard of a llama getting drunk or stealing a car? Never. Have you ever heard news about people getting killed by falling llamas? Of course not. I really believe that llamas are our best defense against the cow-dog-monkey conspiracy I have written about in previous articles.

Here are some facts I have learned about llamas:

1. Llamas have been used as guard animals. This sounds great, but the following article highlights the folly of this practice:

Some people are heavily promoting the use of llamas as guards for sheep and goats. They are ONLY talking about protection from single coyotes, not packs, coy-dogs, domestic dogs, wild pigs, bears, cougars, wolverines and wolves. Many of us feel using a llama as a guard is like offering predators an appetizer before the main course. I do not sell llamas as guards. I think the best protection you can get is a pair of guardian dogs to protect your herds of sheep, goats or llamas. And even guardian dogs have been killed by couger and bear. Good fencing is a must too, but even good fencing won't do the whole job. We all do the best we can, but sometimes it isn't enough. Following are a few stories of those who KNOW how vulnerable llamas are to attack by predators. And the most dangerous of all may be your neighbor's dog.

The article goes on to document the cruel murder of llamas by packs of dogs. Yes, dogs. Yet another bit of evidence as to the resistance to the conspiracy these gentle animals are offering.

2. Llamas like to sunbathe. This was news to me, and made me wonder how many times these sunbathing beauties are mistaken for dead llamas.




3. Llamas have been taught to square dance. A fascinating website describes one man's trek to find the famed dancing llamas (which are in Indiana, by the way).

The whole thing began in May, 1994. I was driving home from work while listening to the end of All Things Considered on National Public Radio. The last story they did that day was about a woman named Bea Kesling who runs a llama farm with her husband in Kokomo, Indiana. They raise llamas to sell as pets and farm animals, which was interesting but hardly newsworthy. But then the radio reporter uttered the words that changed my life: "She taught the llamas how to square-dance."

Yes, that's right -- square-dancing llamas. Square-dancing llamas? As described on the radio, people and llamas dance together as partners, and the llamas apparently love it. (Well, why shouldn't they?) The NPR report was publicizing an annual llama square-dance scheduled for Mother's Day. Why Mother's Day? Well, they had a nifty slogan for the event: "Bring your mama, buy a llama."

As I listened to this, I was laughing so hard I almost drove my car off the road. Without a doubt, this was the funniest, most wonderfully ludicrous thing I'd ever heard of. In my mind I pictured big animals doing fancy dance moves, furry John Travoltas kicking up their heels to country-western music. Yes, people were dying in Bosnia and the whole Earth was rotting away, but how can you possibly lose faith in the kind of world where, at any moment, a llama might be prancing around somewhere in Indiana, for no apparent reason?

The website goes on to describe his treck to Indiana and his sudden fascination with these furry friends, culminating in the grand llama square dance. It made me weep.

4. There is an incredibly powerful and influential llama called The Great llama, who has appeared in many films and has influenced many of the most powerful people in the world.


5. Another fine llama known as the Naked Dancing Llama gives sage advice about the art of frolicking and how it can help us in our day-to-day dreary existence. From the website:

NDL's core words of wisdom, as taught to him by the Supreme Llama, who rules the universe, spitting peanuts and playing the accordion..

---

The Grand Master Llama speaks out on:

Frolicking

"To frolic, as a llama would, is to live."

"You don't learn to frolic, you release the frolic within."

"They may say you cannot frolic. They may scorn you for frolicking in public places. I say, frolic by example, and others will follow suit."

"Life is short. Frolic hard."

"Don't frolic in the wet spots."

"We all frolic in the end."

Wow. Another tear hits my keyboard.

6. There is a delightful song about llamas called The llama song. It is not to be confused with the song by Monty Python (see below). I will be humming it for the rest of the week.

The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers like the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey. But it is provided with fins for swimming. Llamas are larger than frogs. Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout: "Look out, there are llamas!"

7. You can view the world from a llamas perspective by watching life through the llamacam.

Well, that's the wrap on llamas. If you want to learn more about them, there is a very nice llama named Domino, who can answer any other questions you have. So join me in the rage about this finding of the dead llama in Oakland. Would they just close the case if they found the Pope dead on the street? Join me in the groundswell of support for our only hope against the evil plans of the dogs, cows, and monkeys.

Heaviness and Hurt

Hurt so deep
Saber of emotion
Blade of pain
Cuts through the thin veneer
The skin we coat our lives with
Protecting us from the unwanted intruders
Of sickness, loneliness, emptiness
Fear

They walk in
Day after day, month, year
All hoping for a cup of cold water
To soothe their parched lips
The endless flow of need coming through the door
Tugs at my tired arm once again
Bidding me come, help
Hold

Some days are heavy
Room after room
Heart after heart
All with hands open and insides exposed
Bruised, bloodied, bludgeoned, buried in despair
Looking for slivers of hope
Looking for escape, relief
Rest

On my way home
Power totally drained
Thoughts on hold
I try to put down the load
Shoulders still aching from the weight
The heaviness of hurt, the immensity of pain
Turn to face my own life now
Take a deep breath in
Sigh

A painful honor
A noble burden
Standing in the gap
When all other hopes have disappeared
That I should share suffering tears
That I should hold hopeless hands
I’m not that special or wise
Just me, tired, insecure
Weak

No praise to give
Too deep, too real
I wonder why I have been called
To be the one they come to when others fail
I had no teachers in this lesson
Aside from my own scars
Healed wounds, yet hurting still
My many mistakes
Failures

Dying, hurting, scared, alone
It is my hand they come to hold
I can only give thanks
For the honor given
The weight can crush
I daily ask for strength
To carry some more loads
To hold some more hands
To open that door
Again

Gifted Child

More kids and Cars:

Three-year-old buys pink convertible on eBay

Tue Sep 26, 9:30 AM ET

Jack Neal briefly became the proud owner of a pink convertible car after he managed to buy it for 9,000 pounds on the Internet despite being only three years old.

Jack's mother told the BBC she had left her password for the eBay auction site in her computer and her son used the "buy it now" option to complete the purchase.

"Jack's a whiz on the PC and just pressed all the right buttons," Rachel Neal said.

The seller of the second-hand car, a dealer from Worcestershire, was amused by the bid and agreed not to force the sale through.

"Luckily he saw the funny side and said he would re-advertise," Neal said.

The parents were wondering why 2000 "Tickle Me Elmo's" arrived at their house. I would think that there is some sort of verification process where knowing how to spell and read is required on e-bay.

Come to think of it, my dog has spent some time near the computer and we started getting Playdog delivered to our house last week. I was wondering about that.

All Ears

Fellow bloggers, lend me your ears.

I can probably attribute a substantial percent of my lifetime income to ears (although I have never done the math). In pediatrics, otitis media (middle ear infection) is a staple for office visits during the winter, and otitis externa (swimmer's ear) is a frequent reason for visits during the summer. So I have spent a substantial amount of time (probably several weeks) of my life looking in people's ears - especially children.

Over the years, I have made several observations. First I have noted that people tend to be very apologetic about the wax in their ears. I am not certain why this is the case, as it is a natural condition to have wax in the ears, in fact the absence of wax can cause problems (I once heard that wax keeps bugs out of people's ears, but I could not verify it). People often say something like, "I'm sorry about my ears. I didn't get to clean them out." What are they thinking? Do they really think I am offended by the sight of wax? I got some understanding of why people apologize in this situation when I went to get my teeth cleaned and found myself apologizing for the tartar on my teeth. Same thing.

Second, there are a number of odd things I have discovered in ears. Kids tend to put things in their ears and never tell people about it. I have found beads, breakfast cereal, and other assorted small objects in the ear canal. One older gentleman had a toothpick in his ear that he did not know about. The worst thing is when cockroaches get in ears. I usually get my nurse to irrigate ears, but with roaches I just do it without telling her as she has a strong aversion to these critters (as we say in Georgia). Roaches enjoy the warm and dark atmosphere, but can't back out well and so usually die (maybe the wax kills them).

One of the most important skills for a pediatrician is to clean wax out of ears. This is an acquired skill that you perfect over years of practice. Since otitis media is a common problem, it is important to get a good look at the eardrum. We use a tool called a "cerumen spoon" - cerumen is the fancy-schmancy name for earwax - and dig wax out of the ear. Sometimes this is an easy task (easier for adults than children), but sometimes it is a high-decibel experience which leaves both parent and pediatrician physically and emotionally exhausted. Occasionally the ear canal is very sensitive and bleeds when you clean it. I hate it when this happens, because it is hard to explain to parents why you caused the child to bleed from their ear. An interesting phenomenon which happens when you clean some people's ears, they have a strong need to cough. This is a phenomenon called Arnold's Reflex, caused by a branch of the vagus nerve going to the external ear canal. Why it decided to be this way is a mystery to me, but Dr. Arnold has to be happy because let him go down in posterity (I always felt sorry for Dr. Cowper). As an aside, one of the causes of chronic cough is earwax or a hair on the eardrum - due to our dear friend Dr. Arnold.

I generally don't mind cleaning out people's ears (even the children). When you get a "Mother Load" of wax out of someones ear, I have found the most common thing for people to say is, "Good Lord," followed closely by "Oh my God." I am not sure why wax brings out the religious side of people. Perhaps Dr. Arnold can explain that too. One thing I will never do is to clean out my own kids' ears. I did that once when they were young and it was terrible to have my wife watching with great suspicion as I subjected my son to external ear torture. I have never done that again.

Finally, I have found that I have made a progression over the years I have practiced as to what I say when I look in ears. Probably one in two adult patients (or parents of teenagers) say "can you see through to the other side?" when I look in the ear. I have resorted to saying "No, the spider webs are getting in the way." For young children, telling them you see something in the ear is a well-used way to get them to cooperate. Over the past 12 years I have made a progression of what I tell kids I see:

1. I started out seeing Barney in the ears - Even thought I detest this character almost as much as Precious Moments (that's saying something!), I found it was quite popular for a time. After a while, thankfully, the popularity of this fingernails-on-a-blackboard character waned and I no longer had to profane the air with his name.
2. Then I started saying I saw birdies or butterflies in the ears. This worked well with girls, but the boys just sneered.
3. I have tried multiple other characters, such as Dora, the Wiggles, and Sponge Bob (I never did stoop so low as to do Telletubbies), but their acceptance was never as wide as "He who should not be named" - the dinosaur thing.
4. My most popular ear finding is to say there is food in their ear. I have started saying I see peanut butter in the first ear, and another food in the second (usually macaroni and cheese or spaghetti and meatballs). This works up to older ages as well as the younger kids. They think it is absurd to have peanut butter in their ears. I ask them if they put it in there or if it squished out when they were eating. I get a lot of belly laughs from that.

I would love to hear any other interesting foreign body stories (keep it to the ears, please - no GI or GYN stories! I would also like to hear any other successful ear inhabitants used to calm the nervous child.

Just for my good friend Clark Bartram, I found a couple of interesting sites on the homeopathic and chiropractic treatment of ear problems. Simply astounding.

Humorous Picture

I took this with my camera phone, so it is not the best quality, but it is interesting that they would offer both a weekend breakfast buffet and GC gift cards. It did not really sound too tempting to me. I wonder if they lace the eggs with penicillin.

The medical folks will all get this one. Other restaurants in this chain offer HPV and HSV gift cards. You know...the gift that keeps on giving! I hear their sales are not too brisk, however.

The Straight Dope

OK, they do call it dope, don't they?

Man strolling with pot plants busted

Fri Sep 22, 9:03 PM ET

Aaron Janssen made it way too easy. Janssen, 36, was arrested on marijuana charges Thursday, after he was spotted taking a leisurely stroll through downtown, carrying his recently harvested pot plants.

Polk County Chief Deputy Mark Burdock said he did a double-take when he looked out his office window at the county jail and saw Janssen walking down the sidewalk, carrying his freshly harvested crop.

"I look out the window ... , and I see him walking north carrying a green leafy substance, all pulled up by its roots," Burdock said. "He was carrying it like you'd carry a bundle of presents. It was tall enough where he was looking over the top of them, and he's just walking like nothing's going on."

Burdock said he went outside and yelled at Janssen, who walked right over to him, still carrying the plants.

Janssen said the plants were part of his marijuana grown near the Des Moines River, but wouldn't say exactly where, Burdock said.

Deputies also found two two-pound bags of processed marijuana strapped to each of Janssen's legs, and a third wrapped in a sweater.

There is not really much I can say about this display of incredible intelligence. Is it cluelessness, or is it a drug-induced stupor? Does it matter?

OK, number two:

Mom properly jailed for letting baby smoke dope

Fri Sep 22, 4:10 PM ET

A Montana mother who allowed her 18-month-old baby daughter to inhale from a marijuana water pipe on several occasions was properly convicted, but should not have to spend five years in jail, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.

Jessica Durham was photographed allowing her toddler Michala to suck from a marijuana water pipe, also known as a bong, in 2004 by a friend upset about the activity.

"Ms. Durham allegedly remarked that smoking improved Michala's appetite and left Michala lethargic and mellow - a manner she found consistent with her own experience smoking marijuana," Judge Louis Pollak of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote in summarising the case.

In 2005, a lower court sentenced Durham to five years in prison for unlawful marijuana distribution. She appealed both the conviction and the sentence.

In its ruling on Friday, a three-judge panel of the 9th Circuit upheld the conviction but said the sentence exceeded the applicable federal law which calls for punishment of no more than two years in prison.

I give a lot of advice for the way to properly handle an 18-Month old. Typically these kids are throwing temper tantrums and are quite a handful (believe me, I have had 4 of them at home). This is a real novel approach. There have certainly been times when "lethargic and mellow" sounds just great. Improved appetite as well...hmmm.

Now, here is a good approach to snuff out the conspiracy:

Polish woman caught growing marijuana for cow

Fri Sep 22, 11:19 AM ET

A Polish woman who grew marijuana to calm the nerves of her cow has been charged with cultivating a narcotic by police in the western town of Lobez.

The cow had been "skittish and unruly" -- once breaking a person's arm -- until someone suggested mixing cannabis in with its feed, the woman told police.

"The cow became as calm as a lamb," the 55-year-old woman said, according to the PAP news agency.

The woman's plants, grown from seeds she bought at a market, reached nearly three metres (yards) tall and were extremely potent, police said.

Marijuana possession is a crime throughout Poland. The woman faces up to three years in jail if convicted.

What is most interesting here is the fact that the woman giving pot to the cow could get more time than the lady who had her baby sucking on the bong. I really think that the people of Switzerland ought to sit up and take notice. Just make Elsie real mellow. With all the controversy about cows fed hormones, this poses a different kind of problem.

I also wonder about the whole deal with the cows speaking with different accents. How would a cow on pot talk? "Well, like Mooo...." "Hey man, this cud just tastes great! I think, like, I might just chew it again." "Whoaaa. Am I seeing spots? No, that's just a Guernsey. Heh, heh, heh."

A Northern boy moves South

I grew up in upstate (Rochester) New York. I loved to play in the snow, cross-country ski, and play hockey on the pond behind our house. I loved the cool fall days with the crisp crunching of leaves under my feet. I loved going to the cider mill and getting fresh apples, fried cakes, and cider. I thought I would always stay a northern boy.

But a funny thing happened: I got married. My wife was actually from Oklahoma and we met in Philadelphia (I was in Medical School - Jefferson, and she was just getting a change of scenery). After residency, we had to decide where to live. I wouldn't have minded going up north, but it was too far from her family. Thankfully, she really did not want to go back to Oklahoma (it would have been too far from my family and it did not really appeal to me). She has sisters in Charlotte and Asheville, and we felt that the Southeast would be a good compromise - planning on living in the Charlotte area. Well, we ended up in Augusta, GA; in the deep south. Quite a change from upstate New York!

Now I have lived here for 12 years, and I have a few observations about life in Dixie.

1. People up North say: "Isn't it hot down there?" Well, yes it is very hot in the summer, but the rest of the year more than makes up for it. There are 3 months of the year here when the weather is very hot and humid. You just stay inside. The evenings are cooler, and the pool is very nice. However, the spring starts in February and ends in May/June. Fall starts in September and goes to late November. These two seasons are absolutely gorgeous. We have mostly sunny days - twice as many sunny days that we had in Rochester. The winter up north is equivalent to the summer down here - you stay inside. But the nights are worse, and it lasts more than 3 months (in Rochester, at least). So when all is said and done, we have many more nice days (between 65 and 85) - probably 2-3 times more of them, than the northern states do. South 1, North 0
2. I thought I would miss the fall we had up North. I do. The colors in upstate are spectacular and the feeling of the chill on your face is very nice. However, nobody ever told me about the springs down south. It is a progression of color, starting with the cherry blossoms in March, progressing to the pear trees, wisteria, magnolia, lilies, and incredible displays of azaleas (for which Augusta is famous). It is just incredible to watch it unfold. So I call it a tie. South 1.5, North 0.5
3. Ever hear of Southern Hospitality? The south is well known for friendliness, and it is fairly well-deserved. I got some taste of this in Indiana, when I was surprised for people talking to me in the grocery store, but it is more so in the South. People just like to chat to strangers. It has probably gotten less over the years, as television has caused people to isolate more, but it still is a friendlier place to be. South 2.5, North 0.5
4. There is a Baptist church on every corner. Some may think that this is a good thing in my mind (since I am a religious person), but I actually have trouble with the style of religious practice in the South. It is more a culture than a belief. People are made to feel that only good people go to church. To me, that is like saying that only healthy people go to the hospital. As a physician I see many people disaffected by the guilt of "not being good enough," as they have lifestyle habits that go against the predominant culture. As a Christian, I see the shallow cultural Christian as being "inoculated" against appreciation of a more satisfying deep belief. Truthfully, I prefer the moral honesty of the North (as brutal as it may be to my kind). South 2.5, North 1.5.
5. The children say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am." I love this. My kids say it (although my older daughter is rebelling against it). I just feel like it is good for them to show some respect to us old folk. They also don't say "Mrs. or Mr. Johnson," they say "Miss Judy" or "Mr. Rob." I can take or leave that. South 3.5, North 1.5.
6. Racism is not as bad as advertised. The impression is that the South is polarized. The reality is that I have never lived in more integrated neighborhoods than I have down here. We have had many African American staff, and there has been little problems with it. I think the Black Middle Class is bigger down here than it was up North. There are, however, enclaves of terrible bigotry. One of my nurses (who is black) was delivering flowers to a patient at Christmas, and went into a mobile home park. She was greeted at the door by a man with a gun. He put it down when he realized who she was, but it was a scary moment. I see it like this: in Philadelphia, it was dangerous to be white and go to North Philadelphia (my friends had rocks thrown at their cars). In the South, there are dangerous places to go if you are not white. Most people down here, by the way, don't favor the use of the Confederate flag. It is just an obnoxious minority. Still, I will give the North a slight edge on this one due to these idiots. South 3.5, North 2.5.
7. I just like the way the Southern people talk more than the Northerners. South 4.5, North 2.5.
8. The South has grits, better Bar-B-Q, and Collard Greens (yecch). The North has chicken wings, bratwurst, Italian Sausage, and Philly Cheese steaks. A big Northern victory. South 4.5, North 3.5.

So I am overall glad to be down here. There are things I miss about the North, but the South is a great place to raise a family.

By the way, do you know where the term "Bubba" comes from? I did not know it until I moved down here. It is short for "brother" (the younger siblings call their big brothers "bubba"). I have no patients with the actual name "Bubba."